I had considered just sitting down and writing out my feelings in a journal but then I thought there might be a helpful blog post in the middle of all of my angsting.
Last week I was 177 lbs and hanging on by my fingernails and then a series of unfortunate events happened and I went on a bit of a bender. I will lay them out for you and myself so I might learn, forgive and move on.
Too much work: I worked my normal amount of shifts plus a couple of early morning short shifts and I switched a couple so the compliment of days made it seem like I was constantly at work. I even scheduled myself so that I worked until 11 pm one night and then had to be at work the next morning at 6 am. Not recommended. I only had to work for three hours that morning mind you, but I am really starting to accept that fatigue is a huge influence in my weight loss/gain.
Giving in to temptation: At work while I was tired I decide it wouldn’t be so bad if I had a cranberry bliss bar, well that set off a cascade of poor eating choices. It is almost like I have tunnel vision and I can only see the object of my desire and I will not rest until it is consumed therefore it can not longer be mocking me, tempting me. I need to accept that I do have a problem with moderation. If I start with a single treat I usually can not stop I end up spiraling downward. I know so dramatic but it is true. Most likely similar to all other addictions, craving the immediate rush from the object of your affection, be it alcohol, gambling, or food.
The flu shots: I know this might sound like a cop-out but I seriously felt awful after the shots. For the first two days it was just sore arms and a bit of a headache. As time went on I developed chest pain and a racing heart, very sore joints, fatigue. The heart rate was most disturbing, I could actually feel my pulse bounding through my whole body and it was giving me a horrible anxious feeling. To be fair to the flu shots, Mark was feeling similarly and he didn’t have the flu shots so perhaps we both had a different flu going through us.
Halloween candy: For the first 3 days I didn’t touch the stuff. Then I started feeling really tired (see first excuse) and needed a bit of a pick me up. So I had a couple and then you know what happened (see excuse # 2). Moderation is not really something I am good at. Kind of an all or nothing kind of girl. Working on it.
Gloomy weather: I find that I am very affected by the grey sky, it intensifies my poor mood, makes me more tired, I tend to seek out simple carbs to elevate my mood.
Lack of quality sleep: With all of the strange shift work and my innate desire to stay up late (it is my time for me) I believe that I have not been getting a enough quality sleep and that is throwing off my hormone level and surely causing me to crave things that elevate my alertness and mood.
Indecision: I have a few ideas that I am working on in my mind and some I have control over and some I do not. I find went I am unable to control a situation I seek out something to control and that is usually food. I can quickly choose something, prepare it and then eat it. Oh and it has the side effect of temporarily elevating my mood with the simple carb content. Then there will be the inevitable crash and subsequent need for more simple carb fuel,sending me in to a tailspin.
Lack of success this past 8 weeks: I set a lofty goal of being finished my weight loss by Nov 9th. I was fairly doable but I have found it so hard to budge these last 17 or so lbs. I feel like I may have wasted the money I put in to the last 8 weeks, and with that comes guilt…Guilt breeds self-destruction. Enter bender.
What can I do starting today
- Control my work life a bit better. This is tough because I am always seeking a new challenge and I have never had trouble finding work. Balance needs to be attained.
- Realize my limits when it comes to treats. I really can not have just one.
- Not much to do about the flu shot/ mystery flu, but to accept that I was not feeling well and that it was okay to rest and get better. This feeling will not persist
- Put the Halloween candy out of eyesight. Done…put in sealed containers in the pantry. Out of sight out of mouth.
- Can’t control the weather but it is sunny right now and I will take advantage of it and take the doggies for a big walk.
- Sleep… I have been better the last couple of days, I refrained from too much TV last night and chose to go to bed at a decent time and read for a few minutes.
- Re: Decisions, If I have learned anything in my lifetime is that I should not rush in to decisions that I am not totally convinced of. Leaky condo is big reminder of not rushing in to buying something if you are not sure. That being said sometimes risky decisions are the ones that pay off the most. This topic still needs some work.
- Re:Failure/Lack of success and wasted money. Let it go and move on. This is something I often tel my kids. Let it go and move on. If I let the guilt and anxiety about wasted money weigh me down the whole process could become invalid. MOVE ON.
I am going to go to my meeting at the U weight loss clinic (I have been avoiding their calls) and make a plan for how they can help me succeed.
fitness, nutrition, ponderings, weight loss